The Self-defeating cycle of Addiction
- Dr. Miles K Lewis
- Mar 31
- 9 min read
Updated: Apr 20
Why does the addict to do well
for a while, then relapse?
The shortest answer is; Because real change hasn't occurred, yet". And, it doesn't help that the addiction-treatment industry is not designed to help you change, it's intended to make you feel better, temporarily, The expectation for you to return is high! Traditional treatment is great at cheerleading, identifying triggers, and, billing, billing, billing!
The sad truth is, Addicts will always relapse at some point, unless real change occurs. Traditional rehabs simply don't offer enough time or indepth education that a person needs to overhaul their entire life.
On the contrary, private recovery programs are much more qualified to affect a genuine change within the Addict, where never relapsing again is planned-for and expected!
No more excuses, the addict plays a big part!
There are real solutions, but families, recovery professionals (and I mean real professionals), and the addict must be on the same page. Solutions can also be achieved when the addict isn’t on the same page in the beginning. With family support, the addict always comes over.
Addiction can only be resolved if we implement actual solutions for actual problems. Most rehabs miss it by addressing addiction as a “drug problem”, thereby teaching people how to avoid drugs, drug friends, drug feelings, and so on… And, to cover their bases, the professionals will say; “by the way, relapse is part of recovery, don’t sweat it when you relapse”.
However, relapse is not a part of recovery, it’s part of addiction!. If a person is relapsing, it’s because they never actually changed. They simply got sober for a period of time. They are still functioning with the same thinking and characteristics that will always get them high.
FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS THAT PROLONG THE RECOVERY PROCESS
Please understand that I am also a family member of an addict, who died from an overdose. My family did these same things because, like you, we just didn’t know.
· Stop fixing their situation (offer to help them fix it but everything must have value-for-value)
· Don’t seek to change their feelings-seek them to change their behavior
· Don’t do anything for them they should do for themselves
· Require them to be accountable-
Recovery is not a “maybe” thing, so require them to actually pour themselves into it! (no shortcuts just because they feel better- we wanna see DO better! And then see more of it!
CHARACTERISTICS OF ADDICTION
High I.Q. most addicts have high intelligence but have disorganized thinking. May gain much knowledge, externally, but, unable to apply effective problem-solving skills towards themselves. They don’t recognize their own defects apart from “shamefulness”.
| Lack Self Reflection Can apply wisdom to others but simply can’t see themselves for who they actually are (good things/bad things).Combined with overwhelming fear of failure, lack ability to look honestly at themselves and make adjustments. Afraid of what their ‘faults’ mean, they ignore them. If asked what they think about their self-destructive behaviors would most like respond with “I really don’t know”. The addict doesn’t know what’s most important, they only know how they feel. |
Fear of conflict/ Lacks Assertiveness | |
Emotional reasoning The addict’s perspective of every experience is centered how they feel and what is necessary to feel different. When asked how they feel, they may say “I’m not sure”. Complete lack of self-awareness. | Inability to handle difficulties “Difficulties” is defined as ‘anything they don’t want to deal with’ (or know how to deal-with)- Will typically seek instant gratification through impulsiveness |
Impulsive focused on feeling, not responsibilities. Constantly seeking “something-else”. Difficulty being still | Anxiety Experience a high level of anxiety even though they may lead a charmed-life. The addict’s anxiety is not about their situation (although they think it is), It’s about their constant awareness of all the wrong things. |
Trauma This refers to the addict’s perception of their experiences. When life doesn’t work out the way they want it to they see themselves as shameful. Try to counter this by working hard for short periods of time to ‘prove their worth’ to themselves. Once this is achieved you can expect another relapse. In effect, the addict has traumatized themself over a lifetime and hasn’t developed the capacity to push through difficulties… yet | Improper assignment of values Value system is based on feeling better and not feeling bad. Long history of prioritizing feelings over responsibilities (although the addict doesn’t see it this way, but their behavior shows otherwise). Once the addict has done- well for a while, they perceive this effort ‘as enough’ and will begin to slack on those responsible behaviors that moved them towards success. Relapse is forthcoming. |
Very disciplined, at times Towards things they want to do. Do well for short periods, easily bored, default into self-defeating behaviors. | Lack discipline Towards things they don’t want to do |
Easily Bored Look to the world to be entertained, fun, exciting, contributing to them. When this isn’t happening, they become extremely anxious, irritable, frustrated. This has much to do with "failure to launch" syndrome. | Always seeking a new situation: This helps them to begin-again. This becomes a life-long pattern of self-sabotage followed by a new start, -followed by self-sabotage, etc… (see phases of recovery chart) |
Unrealistic expectations: Believing ‘Once they gain new situation, then things will simply work out’ ,new home, new car, new job, new girl/boyfriend, anything new should do the trick. (even though this has never worked out long-term) | |
Addict’s don’t have a drug or drinking problem, they have a thinking problem!
THE SELF-DEFEATING CYCLE THAT MUST BE BROKEN
Brief summary of this cycle:
Addicts begin new experiences in "self-protction / prove myself-mode" They can be very friendly, loving, funny, helpful, and charming. Their goal is on convicning others in the environment how smart, funny, good, and to show no weakness. "I have it all together".
Eventually, the newness wears off. It's not fun anymore as vulnerability becomes warranted to continue interacting with deeper honesty. More negative aspects of their personality begin to show, and quickly, the addict will find reasons to have to start over into a new situation. This applies to new jobs, new rehab, new relationships, etc... The need to "begin again" to avoid exposure becomes so overwhelming, the addict will use any resource to "begin again".
Such as; Complaining about the environment or people in it, score keeping of others, positioning themself as "the only one in the enviroment who ever does any work, etc... This helps the addict to manipulate family members to rescue the addict. Paint a picture of being a victim on the enviroment.
If the addict is rescued from their perceived victimhood, they are able to begin again, and no real change or honesty ever occurrs. The addict simply goes through life continually seeking new situations so they don't have to actually change themself.
These Phases represent the exact process every addict must endure in order to become transformed, and
illustrates how they self-defeat by exiting Phase 2 to begin again". Until the addict is required to push through the emotional discomfort of Phase 1 & 2 they will not change.
Families can help, tremendously in this procees by not rescuing their addict. When the rescuing stops, the addict has no other choice but to move forward.
Phases of Recovery
These phases of recovery represent the actual process that every addict must go through to achieve success. As you will see, the reason addict’s relapse is because they stop short of moving through these phases.
It takes 18-24 months for the human brain to heal from the damage caused by addiction. Learning to be free from addiction requires an investment of time to build an entirely new foundation of responsibility, accountability, and healing. Recovery is centered on new behaviors, NOT feelings!
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· Treat this period like every other new experience, get in, make friends, be nice, get out… · Don’t make waves · Do minimal amount of work to stay un-noticed/ avoid conflict · Have hard time slowing down mentally- want to go faster · Go-along-to get along · This is the time to show everyone how smart, funny, nice, and charming we are. · As soon as we begin to “feel” better we start to believe that “maybe I’m not really an addict” · Keep to ourselves - not make any waves- desire to be liked by everyone. · Become more comfortable with others and our surroundings. We tune out the core substance of the new information being given because we don’t think it applies to us. · Intellectualize and analyze everything · Manipulate behavior to make it look like we are serious about recovery · Look at recovery as something to do, not live by. · Delusions and Denial still a huge part of thinking Hung up on shortcuts. Thinking we are unique to establish any significant change whatsoever – This is why short-term programming doesn’t work! · Count days, not focused on real change, just getting out of there · High anxiety, even though the person is usually taking medications for anxiety · Tell people want they want to hear · Treat this period like every other new experience, get in, make friends, be nice, get out… · Don’t make waves · Do minimal amount of work to stay un-noticed/ avoid conflict · Have hard time slowing down mentally- want to go faster · Go-along-to get along · This is the time to show everyone how smart, funny, nice, and charming we are. · As soon as we begin to “feel” better we start to believe that “maybe I’m not really an addict” · Keep to ourselves - not make any waves- desire to be liked by everyone. · Become more comfortable with others and our surroundings. We tune out the core substance of the new information being given because we don’t think it applies to us. · Intellectualize and analyze everything · Manipulate behavior to make it look like we are serious about recovery · Look at recovery as something to do, not live by. · Delusions and Denial still a huge part of thinking Hung up on shortcuts. Thinking we are unique to establish any significant change whatsoever – This is why short-term programming doesn’t work! · Count days, not focused on real change, just getting out of there · High anxiety, even though the person is usually taking medications for anxiety · Tell people want they want to hear |
Phase Two (Can take 2-4 months, depending on the patient)
This phase typically begins about 45 days into sobriety. 30-day rehabs don’ t work because the patient is able skate through the happy-phase, then return to the world as phase two commences, without the skills to navigate it, quickly relapses |
· Detox period is over- time to dig deep-scare the heck out them! · This phase is about avoidance · Begin to set in motion their plans to move forward – tell families they are great and ready for their new life in sobriety! · Begin to have more anxiety · The deeper need to get honest with-self is forthcoming. No more faking it. Time to do the real emotional & accountable work - want to leave rehab as quietly as possible. · Pretend they have it all together · Isolate more, keep head down and hope they can leave without getting too deep · Only now are they in a position to self-explore- afraid of this · Haven’t even begun to face a lifetime of self-defeating behaviors, regrets, poor decision making · Ramp-up excuses why they need to return to work as soon as possible (even though returning to work quickly has NEVER made a difference) · Most energy is pent on counting days, staying disconnected, mentally · Still attend groups but won’t engage unless engaged-with · Use phone to stay disconnected · Pressure is building · Believe they “just need a new situation” so they can make a fresh start · Wayward thinking · The only plan they have is begin-again, somewhere, anywhere! · Complete lack of self-awareness- feelings driven
Ultimately the pressure builds and the patient either leaves rehab or is able to push through it into phase three, which is where real change can occur.
PEOPLE RELAPSE AFTER REHAB BECAUSE NO REAL CHANGE HAPPENED. THEY MAY HAVELEARNED SOME INFORMATION BUT THAT’S ALL IT WAS. NOTHING NEW WAS PRACTICED OR SOLIDIFIED. Discharging rehab after 30 days is a rescue in itself. It allows the addict to "play" recovery. Make some friends and show everyone how smart, funny, and charming they are... Then, off to "begin again".
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Phase three Real change begins here |
§ This phase is about solidifying everything that’s been learned. (over & over) § By not getting what they wanted (escape) and pushing through towards more of what’s needed, they begin to surrender for the first time. § Come face-to-face with themselves / Humility sets in § Minds become more open and start listening to what’s actually being said… become more open to others, and most importantly-MORE TEACHABLE! § The program begins to make sense and even think something has changed- don’t realize it’s them that is changing, not the environment. § Begin to honestly share about true defects (not the superficial ones they talk about to fit in or sound smart) and begin to feel the pain of others § let go, more and more § experience a peace they’ve never known and don’t want to lose it § have become willing to do whatever is necessary to stay healthy § Recognize that their thinking is faulty, so become very teachable.
Phase Four
· Maintaining for the rest of life! · Steady routines are now a habit · Thinking is re-set · Emotional management is centered on responsibilities, not feelings
Most addicts won’t give themselves a chance to make it this far in one journey. Those who do lead new lives. Those who don’t repeat the rehab circus until eventually they overdose.
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Dr. Miles K Lewis, Director
Justin's Lighthouse Recovery
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